Are You Regularly Struggling In Your Relationship?
Our perception that we can control the other person by getting mad at them causes so many problems.
The following are 4, some may think controversial, steps recommended by my life coaching teacher, Brooke Castillo that she uses to be successful in her own marriage.
I also, to the best of my ability, apply these steps myself in my own relationship.
According to Brooke…
It doesn’t matter if you argue over something small like your spouse forgetting to take out the trash or a huge knock down, drag out fight – using these steps you can fix all your relationship issues!
The steps are simple, but definitely challenging.
But if you commit to these steps, you can fix any relationship problem with your partner.
The key is understanding that you are the one who is creating your own problems.
I hope to convince you to follow these steps for yourself, so you can create the relationship you have always wanted.
Here are the 4 steps to fully commit to someone…
Step 1: Commit to fully loving them.
This person you are having a relationship with, you have to commit fully loving them no matter what.
I hear clients say…
I love them but…
I am mad or furious with them so I can’t love them…
The truth is my clients are putting aside their feeling of love to be mad or annoyed at their partner.
Love just loves – that is what loves does.
The question is, “What do you WANT to feel towards that person?”
Hopefully your answer is love – you want to feel love.
When you remember that is enough, it is what truly matters.
Love is a choice.
No matter what their behavior is, you can commitment to love them.
It is a always a choice and you do it for yourself, not for the other person.
Love is for you.
The feeling of love is what you want to experience, right?!?
You can commit to loving them no matter how they act or behave or what they do or say, because love is always a choice.
Do the love for yourself not them!
Love is always open and available to you.
Step 2: Commit to giving up the need to be right.
The need to be right ruins relationships.
It is not your fault…
We feel justified to argue, if we feel like we are right and so we fight for our opinion.
We believe we need to stick up for ourselves and that is what really matters.
At times it can feel like our actual survival is at stake – I know!
You believe your opinion needs to be heard and that is what really matters.
I, in no way, mean you should admit to being wrong!
Rather I am suggesting a neutral place, where you don’t have to right or wrong or the other person wrong.
When we argue, we spend so much energy trying to make the other person admit they are wrong.
But that does not solve anything.
It just makes the relationship more tense.
If the other person tells you what you want to hear, they are just doing it to appease you.
I am not suggesting you are not right and you don’t have to pretend they are right – just give up being right.
What is the benefit of being right?
Nothing – it does not make you justified or build confidence or happiness.
Letting go of being right helps release tension!
If you add resistance, it adds tension.
Step 3: Stop trying to control the other person!
So many people are trying to control someone else’s behavior…they get pissed when they are not doing what they want, the way they want.
They want them to show up on time or say the right things or bring flowers, etc.
Adults, in relationship, should get to do and behave however they want – we shouldn’t have to control another person by punishing them!
If they are not behaving the way they want, they are just doing it because they don’t want to deal with your anger or disappointment.
So you are probably thinking…does that mean you just let them behave however they want?
The truth is eventually, they will anyway.
And it is totally appropriate to have boundaries of what you will and not tolerate.
If someone shows up late – I just leave.
If someone is rude or yelling – I say I am going to take a break.
Boundaries are about what you will do and it doesn’t to have to be in anger.
Step 4: Take 100% repsonsiblitity for yourself and how you feel.
I promise no matter the situation if you take full responsibility you are going to have a magical relationship.
And you cannot take resosnsiblity for how they feel and their behavior.
For example, if your spouse gets home late from work your reaction will be different if you commit to love or anger. If you need to be right and make them wrong…
If you try to control them you say, “You have to show up on time.”
You can either blame them or take responsibility for how you feel.
You may think if they show up late, he/she doesn’t respect me, they are wrong, etc.
But your spouse coming home late did not create the problem.
If you commit to love and don’t need to be right…you will approach the situation differently.
You simply state, “You said you would be home at 5, but you came home at 5:30. Here is why it is important to me…”
This way you have shown up with love and non reactive energy. You are asking for what you want, but not in anger.
Ready For The Challenge?
So many people don’t like their partner’s behavior and they try to control and make that person different than how they are.
If you take these steps instead, you will not be walked over.
You are taking responsibility with the ability and the strength to guide the relationship where you want it to go.
I challenge you to do this.
If these steps make sense only intellectually or you not sure how to apply them, I can guide you in any situation how to do it .