DISCOVER HOW TO HAVE A MUTUALLY FULFILLING RELATIONSHIP: Using A New Communication Model That Works For BOTH Men And Women
Has your marriage/relationship gotten to a place where it is completely dissatisfying?
Are you barely friends…just room mates?
Where you spending very little quality time together?
What Gets In The Way Of Having The Relationship You So Deeply Desire?
One of the top destroyers of relationships is the expectation that the other person COULD know what you want and SHOULD know what you want.
What adds to the frustration and anger is thinking they KNOW what you want, but they’re purposely withholding it.
That’s when couples talk about their relationship as a struggle for power and control.
Like when Suzy thought her husband Joe should have known what she wanted for her birthday. When he came up short by “just” sending her flowers, she refused to speak to him for the rest of the week.
She had responded happily to flowers in the past so he thought he was good to go. I helped Suzy see if she simply told Joe what she wanted he would not have to guess and she could have had the birthday she really wanted.
Most of the time, the other person doesn’t know what you need or want, because men and women think differently and speak differently.
The real problem is: Both operate under the error that their partner thinks like them!
Men And Women Really Are the OPPOSITE Sex
Men and women don’t use words the same way and they don’t listen the same way.
They don’t even experience feelings the same way – that’s how different we are.
But they think and assume the other is like them! Men think women are a soft form of a guy and women think men are just hairy women!
Our Brains Are Wired Differently
Men’s brains are wired differently than women’s. Most people know that, but they don’t understand how that affects their relationship.
This breeds a lot of confusion, frustration, and upset feelings.
For instance, the very things that might bond women together – such as sharing their issues and problems – can trigger defensiveness and a shutdown in men.
My client Bill thought every time his wife Lucy complained about her day, he had to solve her problems and he felt exhausted and frustrated. Really all Lucy wanted was for him to just listen. Once he learned that, he was relieved and learned to ask Lucy at the beginning of her venting:
“Is this something you want me to help you resolve or just listen and be empathetic.” Both turned an unknown source of resentment into a connective moment and there are literally hundreds of moments like this that Bill and Lucy learned to turn around to rebuild their relationship!
Men Act Like Cave Men
Another area that creates conflict is how women interpret male behavior.
As I mentioned above, women often assume men think and feel the same way they do, so therefore men should behave the way women do! Here’s an other example:
My client Kim who thought her husband, Jim, was purposely not vacuuming when it was, “his ONLY chore on the weekend.” She walked around seething about it and started looking for other things she didn’t like about Jim. The truth is Jim and all men are wired for single minded focus and that day he was completely focused on fixing the toilet and so he could walk past the dirty carpet without even seeing it.
Kim thought Jim was like her and could multi-task chores like most women and since he didn’t, made up a story about him that her desires for a clean house are not important to him and so felt upset. Once she learned how to respect and appreciate Jim’s single focus, she asked for his help in a way that he felt great about helping her.
When a man comes up short — whether it’s his lack of cleanliness, consideration or emotional availability — women start turning him into a “fixer-upper” project, grooming him to be “better” in the ways that are in alignment with how a women would do it.
The problem is it runs against men’s natural patterns and this leads to resistance and defensiveness.
Seeing Through New Eyes
Once you understand the actual biology and psychology that make men different from women (and vice versa), you can see each other through new eyes and then implement simple tools that both partners agree on to avoid future resentments.
Then you won’t have to believe the other person is treating you with disrespect or contempt.
Eliminating these needless areas of conflict are the first steps in building a solid relationship, but it gets even better!
Do You Bring Out The Best Or The Worst In Your Partner?
What most people don’t know, is that the way a woman interacts with a man actually brings out the best or the worst in the man and the same is true for a man with woman.
For example, in a typical interaction, you either get a response from your man as the warrior, who feels like he has to defend himself, or the romantic who wants to please you. With women, you get the witch who nags and criticizes or the princess who cherishes and adores you.
Which one do you want?
In other words, when we start to become self aware of our actions, we discover that we actually have the power to bring out the best of the other person and it’s so simple to do.
Men are just waiting for you to bring out their romantic side and women actually want their men to bring out their princess. Most people completely give up this power to get what they want from their partner.
The problem is, by not understanding each other, we behave from old and even instinctive programs that trigger the most primitive, instinctive, ugly, nasty responses in the opposite sex, and it’s completely unnecessary.
As soon as John walked in the door home from work, Mary would instantly go into a litany of what needed to be done for the kids and chores around the house. John just wanted 30 minutes to chill and play his video games to clear his head from work problems before he joined his family. Mary was hugely resentful and thought John was being selfish, since she was at home with the kids all day and didn’t get any breaks. So she passive-aggressively refused to have sex with him.
What I helped her understand is the benefit to her of allowing John to go through his work decompression ritual. Mary took my advice to another level and helped John with the ritual by setting things all up for him and guiding him to his favorite chair with his favorite beverage. After a short period of time, Mary reported that John started joining Mary in the kitchen to help with dinner and dishes all on his own! Something he never had done before. You can probably see why their sex life improved dramatically from this simple shift.
What normally happens is a man will do something that a woman would never do and she interprets it as, “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t have done that.”
That interpretation crushes him, “After all everything I do for you and our family, how could you think I don’t love you?”
So he’s crushed and she’s hurt, and now you have two incapacitated people with their minds going wild.
You wonder, “Why? When did this happen? And how did this happen?”
You conclude they’ve changed since they caught you…since the pursuit is over they are no longer trying.
You Have The Power To Bring Out The Best
All the resentment and frustration could easily be avoided with the simple understanding of how you really do have the power to bring out the best in your partner.
The thing that prevents that from happening is men and women bring conflicting desires and expectations into relationships and neither partner is aware of them.
Bottom line, if you can understand the way your spouse thinks and views the world, it can change everything! That’s what you get from my relationship reinvention program.
My clients are shocked that having a loving, connected partnership can be so easy and natural.
We Are Not Meant To Be Alike
It all starts with giving up on the notion that you should be like me.
Or there’s something wrong with our relationship, if it’s not easy.
From studying the differences between men and women, I’ve really adopted the point of view that we were meant to compliment each other.
We weren’t meant to be alike.
We’re meant to have different strengths and different challenges, so that we could be incredible partners for each other.
Learn How To Embrace The Differences
By understanding and embracing the differences, you can get back to having fun with each other.
You can just laugh and enjoy how different you are from each other and have a completely different point of view.
There’s no need to go back into each other’s childhood and explore all the old issues you’ve both buried for months in a therapist office where the only thing that happens is a wrestling match and where you leave feeling worse than you came in and NO actionable tools to make improvements.
Instead, join my RR program and learn to inspire your partner/spouse to want to make you happy and to look forward to spending time with you.
It is possible no matter how long you’ve been together, how disconnected you feel or if one of you has breached the other’s trust.
You can learn how to be cared for and most importantly believed in – this gives you a huge advantage to accomplish anything in life.
You should not be looking for a mirror, you should be looking for some one who complements you.
The way my client, Alfred put it was,
“What I love about a woman is everything about you that’s not me. I’m not looking for someone like me to partner with. I’m looking for what I’m missing, what I don’t have and even on my best day…I am not feminine.”
Click here to set up a complimentary clarity session so we can discuss where you are at in your relationship and what needs to happen to get you back on track.