How Do I Get Over A Break-Up?
When a romantic relationship ends, there is hardly anything that feels worse.
I know you feel horrible and that is appropriate right now. It shows you truly loved and cared for this person.
The truth is though, not all romantic relationships are meant to last forever.
Some come with “expiration dates,” meaning the relationship is supposed to end after its served its purpose.
While you are in it, you think the purpose of the romantic relationship is to last forever and get you to “happily ever after.”
What’s The Purpose?
The purpose of relationships, from a spiritual perspective, is to give us the opportunity to recognize and heal, mostly childhood issues, learn major life lessons and eventually open you up to even more love.
So at times, relationships have to end for you to learn the lessons that are most valuable to your growth and happiness.
I completely understand that knowing this does not make the heartache go away and you have my full compassion if your heart is hurting.
The truth is you won’t feel this way forever and the good news is that on the other side of a breakup is a breakthrough.
But to get to the breakthrough get the growth and learning this relationship provide you, you have to get through the very difficult feelings during the initial separation.
Having been though many of my own breakups and helping lots of clients through theirs, I have figured out some ways to speed up your healing process and avoid a lot of the unnecessary struggle.
A breakup is hard enough, but you may be doing things that make it worse.
Here are some suggestions to help ease your pain that you can do immediately to help you get to your breakthrough a lot sooner:
Absolutely NO Contact – Zero, Nada, Zilch Communication Of Any Kind
Resist the temptation to reach out to your ex when you are feeling lonely and sad.
They are no longer the person that should be helping you. It will only delay your breakthrough!
It slows down the healing process and may prevent you from learning the lessons you need to move forward.
Lean on your friends, your family and most importantly yourself.
That means NO texts, NO calls, NO emails, NO tweeting, NO facebooking or any other form of communication.
Don’t buy into the belief that you can “help” each other through the process.
Even if you think you can immediately transition into being friends, it never works. It just keeps you emotionally and energetically tied.
Down the road, you may choose to be friends, but give yourself at least 6 months of no contact if the relationship was less than a year and at least a year of no contact if the relationship was longer than a year.
Remind yourself that you broke up for a reason and now its the time to get to know yourself again.
Trust me, this is one of the most empowering action steps you can take for yourself.
UNFRIEND them, as well as their friends and family on Facebook, so you are not tempted to stalk them or watch for their status updates.
If you feel bad unfriending the other people, send them the message,
“I am focusing on healing from my breakup with (ex’s name). I am so glad I met you through our relationship and valued our connection. I am unfriending close friends and family members I know through (ex’s name), in order to heal. This is not personal at all. (your name).”
Get Rid Of Everything
You have to eliminate the reminders of the past.
Purge everything and anything that reminds you of your ex, the pictures, clothing, playlists, gifts…anything that trigger memories.
You don’t have to actually throw the items away, but pack them up in a box and find a friend’s place to store it.
Detoxing your ex is crucial in order to accept what is and to be able to move on to the future.
And the future is going to be even better, I promise!
Stop Going To Places You Frequented Together
If you worked out at the same place, switch gyms.
Stop going to your favorite restaurants.
Avoid the temptation to drive by your ex’s place.
Schedule Grieving Time And Then Get On With It
Feeling feelings like anger, hurt, loneliness and sadness are normal in a breakup.
It’s important to get those feelings out, but not allow yourself to drown in them.
I see a lot of people allow themselves to get stuck in their emotions and become addicted to the suffering as a way to hang on to the relationship.
So what I recommend is to set a 15-minute time period, you can do longer if you feel you need it, in the morning and at night to feel your feelings.
Use this time to scream, cry, punch a pillow, ask “why?”
Let in all the irrational thoughts that are part of a breakup, but when the time limit is up, you must STOP and MOVE FORWARD with your life.
The only exception is if you have a session with a coach or therapist (which I highly recommend during a breakup because it is such an important time for self-discovery and healing).
During the day between your process periods, if you find yourself getting emotional, obsessive thinking about your ex, gently remind yourself of your scheduled time and promise yourself you’ll let it out then.
You can even wear a rubber band around your wrist and would give yourself a gentle snap when you are tempted to drift back into grief or worry through out your day.
Eventually 15 minutes will feel too long, so gradually decreased it until you have truly transitioned from breakup to breakthrough.
Release fantasies of what was or what coulda, woulda, shoulda.
If your relationship was meant to be, it would have been!
And if it is meant to come back around it will, but you gotta let go first.
Our tendency is to remember all the wonderful things about your ex and probably is there is a lot of wonderful about them or you would not have been in the relationship.
But here’s the TRUTH: there are things about your ex that did not work for you; that did not serve your Highest Good.
Make a list of all your ex’s the reasons the relationship was not a fit and look at it when you go to fantasy land.
Write it from a neutral point of view by sticking to the facts instead of going into blame. The purpose of this list is not to vilify your ex or make him/her wrong, but rather to anchor you to reality.
Sometimes the simple reason of “the person did not want to be with me and I deserve to be with someone who is ready and wants to be with me” is all the reasoning you need.
If necessary, have the friends or family deliver a reality check to you when you need it, by reminding you of what was not a fit.
Write A Good Bye Letter
This is a powerful process that helps you uncover the lessons from your breakup and supports you in releasing your attachments to your ex.
Note: this is not a letter you ever send or share with your ex, it’s just for you.
Set an intention for healing, clarity and grace.
I actually recommend you hand write this letter, rather than typing it, because writing with your hand accesses the right side of your brain where your emotions and intuition are sourced.
I’m saying goodbye because…or this is over because…or I’m letting you go because…
I learned from you…or you taught me…
Thank you for…
Write without editing yourself. Just let it flow and allow whatever comes out to come.
You can continue to add to this letter as often as you like.
If you are craving “closure,” this will get you there. You do NOT need communication with your ex to have closure. It is something you can 100% do on your own.
Please Try And Remember
You will get through this.
It won’t hurt this badly forever.
Reach out for support; you don’t have to do this on your own.
Utilize this time to learn to love yourself.
You will heal and be happy again.
You do not have to close down or protect your heart by hardening it.
Instead keep open to love – it is all around you!
Just because your ex is not in your life does not mean there is less love in your life.
The relationship may be over, but the love you shared will never die because it always belongs to you.
You are worthy of the loving relationship you desire and this is just a step along the way.
Be gentle with yourself..your breakthrough is just around the corner.